MOSCOW — Only two days ago, Russian President Vladimir Putin denounced the United States for prosecuting top officials of FIFA, the seemingly most corrupt mega-national sports empire controlled by 79-year-old Sepp Blatter. FIFA has awarded Russia the World Cup in 2018, a contract worth billions of dollars which could aid the struggling Russian economy despite Russia’s clear history of marginalizing (to say the least) the LGBT community.

To settle the score, and with a solitary reporter observing, Putin challenged President Obama to a penalty shootout in the final game in Luzhniki Stadium here in Moscow.

When the solitary reporter told Putin that Mr. Obama will no longer be president in 2018, Putin immediately shot back, “I figured out how to stay in office, first as president, then as prime minister, and then president again, for as long as I want, the people be damned. I see no reason why Obama couldn’t pull off a similar stunt.”

Putin then elaborated on his proposal for a penalty shootout against his American nemesis. “Loretta Lynch, his new Attorney General, is very angry at my support for Sepp Blatter in his reelection bid. Of course she is totally wrong. Obama likes to play to the media, and if I, representing Russia, and he, representing the USA, go at it mano a mano or, I should say, foot to foot, I will easily overwhelm that meddlesome Obama with my fancy footwork. It’s a done deal.”

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest dismissed Putin’s misguided attempt to be playful by telling Putin immediately to transfer Crimea back to the Ukraine and pull his troops and militias out of Eastern Ukraine. “And if Putin does that,” Earnest said, “President Obama will consider attending, as a private citizen, whatever World Cup game in which a Western European country defeats Russia’s team."

Nicola Rizzoli, an Italian architect who serves as a referee for World Cup matches, told the solitary reporter that he will be happy to officiate at the shootout. “That will be easy, SR,” Rizzoli said. “I will disqualify Putin for supporting Sepp Blatter and his evil empire."

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