EDINBURGH — Moments ago, Nicola Sturgeon, Scotland’s First Minister, exuberant after her Scottish National Party trounced Labour by winning fifty-six out of fifty-nine seats representing Scotland in Parliament in Thursday’s parliamentary election in the UK, told a solitary reporter that she plans to demand that Prime Minister David Cameron build a bridge between the Port of Edinburgh and Copenhagen.
“There’s all that money coming into the Queen’s England from our North Sea oil,” Sturgeon explained in fluent Scottish Gaelic to the solitary reporter, who pretends to be multilingual, "and in 2017, when voters here and in England, Wales, Cornwall and Northern Ireland vote for the UK to leave the EU, we Scots, who love Socialism, want to be part of the EU, because England will be all by itself when the UK votes to abandon Europe, and even before that vote two years from now, we’ll be an independent country and we’ll be welcomed by Europe with open arms.”
“It’s only 613 miles from Leith, our port, to Copenhagen. We want Cameron to build it now because we’re fed up with England. After all, we came close to getting rid of the English last year.”
“By the way,” Sturgeon continued, “I have a whole house full of euros just waiting to be spent when I can drive across that bridge."
But Nicola “Nicky” Morgan, Cameron’s Minister for Women and Equalities, denounced Sturgeon’s plan, saying “Since 1603, England and Scotland have been united. Even though we English are far superior to the Scots, this is no time for us to separate. But Scotland will always be an inferior provide, and it's about time they figured that out.”
Then Sturgeon, for her part, responded, saying “Ever since our brave King James IV lost the Battle of Flodden to the English in 1513 (and way before that!), we Scots have abhorred the English. Don’t you fuzzy Americans remember what the first Queen Liz did to our brave Mary Queen of Scots?”