LAUSANNE — After learning that his fellow religionist, Muhammadu Buhari, has defeated Nigeria’s president, Goodluck Jonathan, Iran’s Minister of Foreign Affairs, Mohammad Javad Zarif, congratulated General Buhari, wishing him good luck trying to wipe out Boko Haram, and inviting him to become a Shiite.

In response, General Buhari, who ruled Nigeria from 1983 to 1985 before he was overthrown in a coup, told a solitary reporter that he is a fervent advocate of Sharia, and that if Zarif ever tries to enter Nigeria, he will be required to become a Sunni.

But Zarif was nonplussed. Zarif has been doing his best here at the Beau Rivage Palace to torment Secretary of State John Kerry by denying Kerry a deal on de-nuking Iran under the so-called Joint Plan of Action. During a break in today’s negotiations, a highly stoked Zahir told Tamir Pardo, the director of Mossad, who was hiding behind curtains, that they should consider visiting Tehran as his houseguests, where he would allow Pardo to torture former Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

In Abuja, Nigeria’s capital, General Buhari announced that he would personally castrate any adherents of Boko Haram whom he could catch.

In Washington, Tea Party presidential candidate Ted Cruz told Sarah Palin, visiting from Sedona, that it is now up to President Obama to eliminate Boko Haram. Palin agreed, saying “Damn straight! Obama's a Muslim, let him fix it!)

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