NETANYAHU: "My Three State Solution is better than any Two State Solution"

JERUSALEM — On this International Day of Happiness, newly reelected Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu exuded nothing but happiness as he addressed the Knesset earlier today.

Pretending to walk back yesterday on his “promise" to right wing Israeli voters that under his watch, there will never be a Palestinian State, Mr. Netanyahu now says he is, once again, in favor of a Two State Solution, just as he was on June 14, 2009, when he espoused the Two State Solution in a seminal address at the Begin-Sadat Center for Strategic Studies at Bar-Ilan University. 

But a solitary reporter, observing, from the gallery, the typically boring proceedings in the Knesset, knows better.

Instead of reaffirming his mild interest in a Two State Solution, he now favors something far better, in his view: a Three State Solution.

Speaking in the stern, hypermacho voice so beloved by congressional Republicans, Netanyahu declared, “We will invade Western Syria tomorrow!”

With increasingly fluid and hyperbolic rhetoric, the Prime Minister reminded the 120 members of the Knesset about how King Tiglath-Pileser III of Assyria destroyed Israel in 750 Before the Common Era., and how the Assyrians sent the Kingdom of Israel into exile.   

"Assyrian King Sargon II crushed our valiant Jewish revolt in 722 BCE. Sargon’s son, Sennacherib, tried and failed to conquer Judah. Sennacherib leveled 46 walled cities and besieged Jerusalem, leaving only after receiving extensive tribute.”

"So all we’re doing now,” Netanyahu continued, "is exacting revenge by invading Syria, and I am very good in the revenge department.”

At this, Naftali Bennett, head of the Jewish Home Party, which holds eight seats in the Knesset, stood up and, in the florid style of African American churchgoers, shouted, “Preach it, Brother!"

The US Ambassador to Israel, Daniel Shapiro, observing in the gallery, smiled, and tweeted Secretary of State John Kerry and President Obama, saying “#Netanyahu is certifiable. Send the Marines and get me out of here!"

Netanyahu continued: "I have received promises from my close personal friends John Boehner, Mitch McConnell, and John McCain, for full military support, including nukes if necessary, to capture all of Western Syria."

"We also will expel ISIS from Eastern Syria and push them into either Iran, if the Americans don’t putz out on us.”

“As soon as we liberate Damascus, Bashar al-Assad will be personally picked up by Putin and locked up in the Kremlin."

"At first, we will allow the Syrians to keep the name of their territory. That’s why I am now declaring my Three State Solution: the first and most powerful State will be Israel, including all of the West Bank, except for Jericho.”

“The second State will be Jericho, and it will be called The Quasi-Independent State of Jericho.”

"Why Jericho? That’s where Joshua fit the battle."

"We will push Gaza into the sea, and we will reclaim it.” 

“The third State will be Syria."

"Thanks be to Yahweh, Senator McCain is now the Chairman of the Armed Services Committee, and John and I have agreed that the name of Palestine is a mere historical anomaly."

"After I’m reelected as Prime Minister the next time, the name ‘Syria' will disappear from all official Israeli documents and will be replaced by Antioch, but we will control it.” 

"That’s a concession to my Christian friends in the U.S. Congress, as Antioch is in Syria and it was the first Christian settlement outside Jerusalem.”

“So that, my beloved friends in the Knesset, is my Three State Solution.”

“Oh, one last thing: Hillary Clinton can go to Hell.”

At this, Ayman Oleh, the leader of Joint List, the coalition of four splintered Arab parties in the Knesset, stoked up and smiled at the 13 members of his coalition seated in the Knesset, and calmly walked out with his compadres.

Mr. Oleh was accompanied by Zehara Gal-On, the leader of the Meretz Party, a secular, environmental left-wing party which advocates withdrawal from the West Bank. Meretz holds five seats in the Knesset.

The Prime Minister received a standing ovation from the remaining 102 members of the Knesset as the solitary reporter fled and prepared for Armageddon.

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