CHAPPAQUA, NEW YORK — As former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton continues to congratulate herself on stonewalling the media at her news conference yesterday, one of her numerous highly frustrated aides told a solitary reporter, “The boss’ ratings are way, way down because of this stupid email thing, so mark my word: one of her first appointments as President-elect will be Edward Snowden as Secretary of Internet Technology.”

“Yeah, I know,” the aide continued. “It would be a complete flip, but Hillary’s ratings are down to below zero right now. Only a dramatic announcement like putting Snowden — the hero of Citizen Four — in charge of totally letting fresh air and sunshine reveal all her secrets, can possibly save her.”

The solitary reporter then flew to Moscow’s Sheremetyevo airport and was immediately whisked away in a closely guarded limousine to an undisclosed location, where he was greeted in fluent Russian, which the solitary reporter can pretend to speak, by Snowden himself.

George Soros, a Ready for Hillary supporter and the founder of Open Society Foundations, and one of the thirty richest men in the world, interrupted Snowden’s greeting, pressed a mere billion dollars into Snowden’s hands, bribed the Russian hoodlums guarding Snowden, thrust Snowden into his private jet, and flew him directly to Mrs. Clinton’s home here in Chappaqua, leaving the solitary reporter scratching his head, asking uncaring Russian passersby to direct him to the American Embassy.

But all this was to no avail, as Clinton called President Obama as soon as Snowden walked in the door. Within five minutes, the FBI had whisked Snowden to the District of Columbia Jail, where he is awaiting deportation to Ecuador.

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