Tea Party presidential candidate Rand Paul has managed to confuse everybody, including himself, on the hot issue of whether some parents should be allowed to follow their Libertarian consciences by declining to have their children vaccinated against measles. New Jersey’s Gov. Chris Christie also pandered to a GOP base which doesn’t believe in government by mumbling something in London about parents having the right to endanger the public by refusing to have their children vaccinated. But Jeb Bush, speaking to a business group in Detroit recently, unequivocally stated that all parents should do the right thing by having their children vaccinated. This has caused some consternation within the GOP. 

But what only a solitary reporter has discovered is that the real, top-secret Republican plan is to require the vaccination of activist Democrats to prevent them from engaging in political activity.

“We know all of the statistics,” RNC Chair Reince Priebus told the solitary reporter in confidence. “If we Republicans don’t reach out to Latinos, women, and gays, either Hillary or Gary Hart will be our next president. And the reason that will happen is because of activist Democrats like you.”

“And if Hillary surprises everybody, including herself and Bill, and decides not to run, Gary Hart, Jim Webb or Martin O’Malley — any of those Socialists — would beat whoever we put up, especially if it’s Ted Cruz.”

“So what we have decided to do,” Priebus continued, “is to tell Pfizer, which really knows how to make a lot of money with a drug which men can use for ED, to develop an oral contraceptive to be administered to activist Democrats. The plan is to tell them that the helpful side effects of taking this medication include the provision of free Colorado marijuana and unlimited Mileage Plus miles so they can travel wherever they want to at any time. They will be supplied with free liquor as well. And if that’s not enough, we have other means at our disposal.”

“Come to think of it,” Priebus said, “Gitmo might have its usefulness after all… a place for wayward Democrats maybe."

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