Your solitary reporter has discovered why Republican members of Congress are more obese than their Democratic counterparts.

Yesterday evening, shortly before President Obama walked into the House of Representatives to remind Republicans that he has no plans to resign in the face of their unremitting attacks, the solitary reporter managed to escape the clutches of Paul Irving, the House’s Sergeant at Arms, after Irving locked the solitary reporter in a jail cell underneath the Capitol’s Visitor Center (see our post of January 18). Because of budget cutbacks, and because of the rarity of disruptions within the Capitol, Irving was the only law officer in charge of the Capitol’s jail, and as soon as Irving left his post to escort the president into the House Chamber, the solitary reporter used yoga techniques to squeeze through the bars of his cell and enter the gallery unnoticed, where he sat two rows behind FLOTUS Michelle Obama, eagerly awaiting the president’s State of the Union Address.

The solitary reporter immediately noticed that the CNN camera was mounted on the Democratic side of the chamber, so that CNN’s viewers could easily see that the Democrats in the chamber rose from their seats at least 20 times to applaud the president, while, on the far side of the chamber, the Republicans rarely stood up to applaud, choosing instead to grimace and wish that they were elsewhere, accepting contributions from corporate lobbyists or receiving guidance from Karl Rove or Sheldon Adelson.

After the president finished his victory lap, Health and Human Services Secretary Sylvia Matthews Burwell was worried about the GOP Senators and Representatives' noticeable lack of agility, as well as being concerned about their obvious disapproval of everything the president said, so she approached Tea Party presidential candidate Ted Cruz and said, “Senator, my Department has some really excellent low-fat, low-salt cookbooks, and I’m going to have them delivered to your office first thing tomorrow morning. You don’t have to tell  Charles and David Koch that I’m doing this for you.”

Cruz, embarrassed to be seen talking with a Democrat, sneered and walked away, so Burwell approached Speaker John Boehner and offered him a free FDA-approved experimental drug to relieve his constipation. Embarrassed by this offer, Boehner reached for his ornate silver

inkstand — — which distracted some television viewers from fully appreciating the Speaker’s constant frowns during the president’s

address — – and asked Burwell to lend it to the president, saying “Tell your boss he has to do at least two things to earn our favor: when we pass legislation next week requiring him to approve our Keystone XL Pipeline, he needs to use the ink in this inkwell to sign it. Second, when the Congress passes legislation next month repealing Obamacare, he has to use my inkwell to sign that one as well.”

“If he does both of those things,” Boehner continued, "we’ll take all the credit, and then we’ll tell him to sign our bills to repeal the Voting Rights Act (what’s left of it), abolish the IRS, repeal all campaign finance reform legislation that’s still on the books, repeal the wage and hour law, and nominate John McCain as his Secretary of Defense. That way, John can nuke Assad and send as many soldiers as he needs to Iraq and Syria to wipe out ISIS. John will also want to ramp up the war in Afghanistan with more American troops on the ground, and he may have to invade Pakistan.”

Suppressing a giggle, Burwell smiled and complimented Boehner on his leadership skills in presiding over 246 unruly Members and then, ever so subtly, said, “Mr. Speaker, I’d be glad to have the FDA develop a special psychoactive drug in powder form that you could slip into the cocktails of everybody in your Tea Party Caucus when they have lunch with Grover Norquist. It might make your job a lot easier.”

For the first time during the evening, Boehner smiled.

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