SEOUL – Moments ago, the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea invaded South Korea, all because North Korea holds President Obama (who this afternoon announced sanctions against KOMID, North Korea’s primary arms dealer around the world) responsible for a hilarious movie that makes fun of its Supreme Leader.
Leading the invasion was the boy dictator, Kim Jong-un, who marched at the head of the 9,495,000 active, reserve, and paramilitary personnel which constitute the Korean People’s Army (the world’s largest military force), saying, “Obama is tightening the noose around my neck, and it’s all because fools like a solitary reporter went to see a movie that portrays me as a buffoon.”
With an anonymous general and lots of nukes at his side, Kim strode manfully along the distance of 33 miles from the DMZ straight to Seoul, into the bedchamber of Park Geun-hye, South Korea’s president and the daughter of former South Korean president Park Chung-hee. Ms. Park lives and works in The Blue House, the South Korean equivalent of The White House. Ms. Park, who has never been married, does not like the boy dictator, who is many years her junior.
But President Obama knew exactly what to do. He dispatched Seth Rogen and James Franco to Seoul, where they arrived at the Blue House. There, Franco resumed his close personal friendship with Kim Jong-un, and apologized for having tried to blow Kim’s helicopter to bits in The Interview. But Kim, who is worshiped by his people as a god, managed to escape, claiming his true status as a deity. That’s how Kim was able to begin his short march from the DMZ to the Blue House, but Franco, having been defeated in his dream of killing Kim at the end of The Interview, made Kim weep yet again, just as he did in the movie, whereupon Kim dissolved in a puddle.
President Park told Admiral Choi Yoon-hee, Chairman of the South Korean Joint Chiefs of Staff, to take Rogen, who arrived at the Blue House completely stoned, forthwith to Camp Humphrey, a US Army garrison located near the DMZ, to try to keep Rogen sequestered and sober in a place where he is unlikely to provoke any more international incidents threatening World War III. Admiral Choi, President Park, and Franco, together with General Vincent Brooks, Commander of US Army Pacific, then boarded a United States Air Force escort plane and took Kim directly to Guantánamo Bay, where he is being waterboarded by former Vice President Dick Cheney.
As he arrived at Gitmo, Kim begged his captors to bring to him, during his permanent confinement at Gitmo, Diana Bang, the sexy Canadian-Korean actress who plays Sook inThe Interview. “Diana is so much more attractive than my wife, Ri Sol-ju,” Kim pleaded, to no avail.