NEW YORK — Leslie Moonves, the Chairman of CBS Corporation, told a solitary reporter moments ago that he wants to cancel Stephen Colbert’s contract to replace David Letterman next year.
Yesterday, Colbert had none other than the president of the United States as a guest. During the interview, Barack Obama purported to surprise his host and took over. In his capacity as host, Obama said, among other things, “You [Colbert] have been taking a lot of shots at my job, I've decided to take a shot at yours," just before taking over for Colbert on "The Word," a segment where Colbert (in this case, Obama) says a line or two before a witty word or phrase flashes to the right. "How hard can this be? I am just going to say whatever you were about to say.”
From there, Obama launched into a monologue about Obamacare, Congressional Republicans, and his last two years in office.
"Nation," Obama said, referring to his audience exactly as Colbert does. "As you know, I, Stephen Colbert, have never cared for our president. That guy is so arrogant. I bet he talks about himself in the third person.”
After a break, Colbert returned to his role as host and the president returned to his role as guest, during which the two discussed Obama’s controversial decision to issue an executive order on immigration. Then Obama opened up about his home life to Colbert, saying his wife and daughters “give me a hard time” and keep him humble. “There are no trumpets," the president said to Colbert, “they tease me mercilessly for my big ears, or my stodgy suits.” Obama also told Colbert that he does “normal" things like leaving his socks on the floor.
Obama seemed to enjoy his time behind "The Colbert Report" (“Rapport” in French) desk. "I will say, I felt more powerful behind that desk," Obama said.
As he watched this unusually hilarious segment of the Colbert Report, Moonves, whose 2011 salary was almost $70 million, told his wife, Julie Chen, “Honey, I just figured out a way to quadruple my salary: I’m hiring Barack to replace Letterman. Colbert can stay on Comedy Central, where he continuously delights our friend here, the solitary reporter."
For her part, Chen, who has been the host of the U.S. version of the CBS reality-television program Big Brother, encouraged her husband, who is the great-nephew of David Ben-Gurion, the first Prime Minister of Israel, to call Joe Biden right away and tell him to get ready for the abdication of his boss. Biden, of course, as soon as he received Moonves’ phone call, called New York’s senior senator, Chuck Schumer, and told Schumer to attend his swearing-in.
But unfortunately for Moonves and Biden, there was a fly in the ointment. Michelle Obama intervened and instructed her husband to not even have a conversation with Moonves, lest the president impetuously accept Moonves’ offer.
“Barack Hussein Obama Junior,” the FLOTUS said, extremely sternly, “My close personal friend Hillary’s going to need the Jewish vote in 2016. And don’t forget, when Joe starts talking, he doesn’t know how to stop.”
In response, Obama said, “Okay, Girl, have it your way. See if I care.”