DNC HEADQUARTERS, WASHINGTON — After learning yesterday that Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel has been the victim of friendly fire from President Obama’s White House, a solitary reporter flew to Washington to interview candidate-in-waiting Hillary Clinton.

Unusually forthcoming, Clinton told the solitary reporter that she will announce on New Year’s day that she is running for president, and that she will ask Michele Flournoy to remain as her Secretary of Defense after she takes the oath of office on January 20, 2017, from Chief Justice John Roberts.

“Barack kept Bob Gates as his Secretary of Defense even though Gates had the same job with Bush Two,” the former First Lady explained.

Clinton also told the solitary reporter that she will replace Roberts as Chief Justice at her earliest opportunity, even though Roberts has, so far, upheld the constitutionality of the Affordable Care Act. 

“As all the world knows,” the former Secretary of State explained, “women are better than men, so I will replace Roberts with Sonia Sotomayor as Chief Justice.”

“It would be very helpful to me if Roberts takes early retirement. If he does that, I will appoint him as my Ambassador to the Republican Party.”

“With Mitch McConnell in control, I shouldn’t have any trouble getting that nomination through the Senate."

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