AUSTIN —— Immediately after reading in the Austin American-Statesman about his indictment yesterday for abuse of power by Travis County’s Democratic District Attorney, Rosemary Lehmberg,Texas Gov. Rick (“I always swagger”) Perry told a solitary reporter that he is resigning to run for president on the Theocratic Party ticket.
Perry was indicted on two counts yesterday by a Travis County grand jury over claims he went too far when he threatened to veto funding for Lehmberg’s office, which investigates political corruption. Perry made the threat publicly after Lehmberg was arrested for drunken driving, and he later vetoed millions from her office’s budget.
In 2012, Perry ran for president against fellow Republican Mitt Romney and eight other nominal GOP candidates, most of whom were more qualified to be court jesters for the Koch Brothers, for whom they would be carrying water today had any of them, especially the pizza guy, Herman Cain, been elected.
“I will, of course,” Perry explained, "be succeeded by my good friend David Dewhurst, our very fine Lieutenant Governor. I endorsed him in his primary campaign for the Senate against the Mexican guy who can’t stop talking, Ted Cruz, in 2012.”
“David is a rich good ol' boy,” the governor continued, “and I talked to God about my decision, and He resoundingly approved, so I firmly believe that my campaign for the presidency in 2016 will go one hell of a lot better.”
Before launching his presidential bid in 2012, Perry held a prayer meeting attended by 30,000 people, only a few of whom have the least concept whatsoever of the Social Gospel of Jesus Christ.
“Only this time,” Perry continued, “I’m running on the platform of the Theocratic Party."
“At Texas Aggie,” the governor continued, "I was a Yell Leader, which is how I learned how to yell at Democrats after I quit the Donkey Kong party,” Perry explained to the solitary reporter, who visited the Governor’s Mansion here in the Lone Star State in 2000 on the very day that Bush Two was losing the New Hamphire presidential primary to John McCain. During that pivotal presidential campaign, the solitary reporter stumped for former Sen. Bill Bradley (D.-New Jersey) for president in the wilds of Northern New Hampshire. Reflecting the solitary reporter’s political astuteness, Bradley lost all 15 of his primaries to Vice-President Al Gore, who was amply supported by then New Hampshire Governor Jeanne Shaheen, who is destined to win handily over her GOP opponent for reelection, the prominent carpetbagger and Fox News commentator from Massachusetts, Scott Brown, who was easily defeated for reelection to the U.S. Senate in 2012 by future presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren.
Perry is well known for his opposition to the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. The governor, an Eagle Scout, is generally known as one of the leading homophobes in the United States.