BROWNSVILLE, TEXAS —— Jorge Mario Bergoglio and Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger, Pope Francis and Pope Benedict XVI, respectively, will be on opposite sides of the Estadio do Maracana in Rio de Janeiro on Sunday, according to confidential information leaked by the Vatican to a solitary reporter.


On Sunday, it’s Argentina, Francis’ homeland, versus Deutschland, Benedict’s home, for the World Cup.


Today, it’s Brasil, humiliated by Deutschland on Wednesday, 1-7, versus Nederland, with Nederland heavily favored.


“If van Gaal and Blind win,” Dilma Rousseff, Brazil’s president said, “we invade The Hague on Sunday.”


Meanwhile, the solitary reporter broke journalistic ethics, as well as Secret Service rules, by contradicting our associate solitary reporter, Doug Schuler, who previously reported that President Obama spent Tuesday night at the Renaissance Hotel in Park Hill, a sovereign municipal enclave within the City and County of Denver, of which Peg Meagher is Mayor. “No, Doug, you know better than that,” the solitary reporter explained, in a huff. “President Obama spent the night in my basement. He stayed up all night reciting to me a number of passages from Dostoevsky’s Notes From Underground, including [paraphraising]: 'I [am] in the civil service….[and most of my constituents, even Democrats, are timid; but some of the Republicans who voted against me twice are like John McCain and Mitt Romney. They] absolutely refused to submit [to my dictates to Congress] and clattered [a sword] revoltingly [right there at me in the Oval Office]. I battled [each of them] over that sword for a year and a half. And finally I got the best of [them].' They both stopped clattering and eventually revolted against their bases in the Tea Party and grudgingly admitted that I beat the butts of both of them, but they both of them have talked their buddies in Congress into obstructing everything I try to do for the good of our Republic and the world at large."


Bergoglio and Ratzinger told the solitary reporter that on Monday, after Ratzinger’s Deutschers, led by Thomas Mueller, triumph over Argentina's Leo Messi on Sunday, they will together come here to Brownsville to rescue thousands of ill-informed Guatemalan adolescents who were encouraged by coyotes to flee here to this glorious city on the northern bank of the Rio Grande. They will encourage the children to leave the Catholic faith and join the Christian Universalist Association, of which the solitary reporter is a member. From that point on, the children will be free, enlightened individuals in their own right.


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