KYIV, UKRAINE — The Chocolate King, Petro Poroshenko, the billionaire candy tycoon who won yesterday’s Ukrainian presidential election to succeed Viktor Yanukovych (who was illegally voted out of office in February by the Ukrainian parliament, and who is now permanently under the tender custodial care of Vladimir Putin) has issued his first presidential proclamation, as witnessed by a solitary reporter.
“As Forbes knows very well, my net worth is $1.3 billion,” Poroshenko explained to the solitary reporter. ”And I have all these chocolates and other candies. I also manufacture automobiles, I own a television station, and I have a shipyard.”
“Tomorrow, I’m going to Donetsk and Luhansk, in the far east of my country, both of which have proclaimed themselves as independent republics, and I’m going to provide five hundred pounds of candy to every Russian speaker there, and in Odessa as well.”
“That way, they’ll know that if they stick with me and stay in The Ukraine, rather than kowtowing to Putin, they can have as much candy as they want.”
“And with all the petrodollars which I will earn,” Порошенко continued, “even though my country is totally broke, I plan to visit every major diplomatic venue in the world with the exception of the United States. You see, SR, we Ukrainians are really tough and don’t need outside help. Your president is having way too much trouble trying to govern your country, and, as a courtesy to him, I’m not going to be begging for weapons or anything else from him, since you guys can’t seem to manage to live within your budget.”
“But wait a minute. If Mrs. Obama wants to come to Eastern Ukraine with me, with or without her husband, she might want to campaign against obesity after I’ve fattened everybody up. The fatties can go to Russia, but after she slims several hundred thousands of them down, those ones can stay with me.”
In other news, while President Obama was in Afghanistan yesterday (mostly) promising our troops that they might now be serving their last tour of duty there, he held a twenty minute phone conversation with Afghan President Hamid Karzai, the man who refused to sign a security agreement with the United States, and who is desperately clinging to power to save his own neck. At press time, it was not clear whether Obama promised Karzai sanctuary in the United States next New Year’s Day.