DENVER — GOP Senatorial wannabe Cory Gardner, wanting desperately to unseat Colorado’s senior US Senator, Mark Udall, is hopelessly flailing around this morning, after unadroitly attempting to switch positions on the so-called Personhood Amendment, which would, if passed this November, effectively eliminate legal abortions in Colorado by banning emergency contraception in cases of rape. In 2010, Gardner garnered thousands of signatures in support of the amendment, which went down decisively, with only 29% of Colorado voters supporting it at the polls.


The  catastrophe for Gardner erupted in full force yesterday, when Personhood USA President Keith Mason proclaimed that it is politically stupid for Gardner to walk away from Personhood. “Those of us in the Extremely and Religiously Righteous Far Right have concluded that Cory Gardner is no longer even a person,” Mason explained to a solitary reporter.


The 39-year-old chipmunk-faced native of Yuma, Colorado, on the Eastern Plains, is sweating profusely because this means that his Extreme Right Core, supported by hundreds of thousands of dollars of Koch Brothers money, will see the Senate’s leading outdoorsman, Mark Udall, even more friendly to President Obama once he is reelected in November.


Even Colorado State Sen. Amy Stephens, who had hoped to win her party’s nomination to oppose Udall, but who dropped out of the race to support Gardner, told the solitary reporter that Gardner cannot possibly win the crucial women’s vote.


But Colorado Democratic Party Chair Rick Palacio urged his millions of cadres not to be complacent. “Cory Gardner is definitely a person. An ugly person to be sure, but still a person."

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