OTTAWA — Unnoticed by anyone except a solitary reporter, Canada has annexed Point Roberts, Washington, a census-designated place of 1,314 inhabitants, accessible by road only through British Columbia. Point Roberts is part of Whatcom County, Washington. It is located south of Delta, a suburb of Vancouver.
The solitary reporter asked several mildly irritated residents of Point Roberts whether they intend to ask Chief Justice John Roberts to intervene in the annexation for sentimental reasons since he shares the name of their geopolitical anomaly, but they all said that they doubt that Roberts would be of any assistance to them since he had, through his participation in Bush v. Gore in late 2000, brought about the accession of Bush Two, who never bothered to visit Point Roberts.
The solitary reporter then interviewed Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, who said, “You see, SR, after Putin annexed Crimea, we figured it was high time for us to absorb Point Roberts into Canada. Having it part of the United States never made any sense.”
Contacted at his office in Bellingham, Whatcom County Council At-Large Member Rud Browne expressed surprise at Harper’s action, but said that since Crimea is now part of Russia, “Maybe it’s time to let Point Roberts go as well.”
After learning about these developments, the 6,080 French citizens living in the French territorial collectivity of St. Pierre and Miquelon, 16 miles southwest of Newfoundland, expressed grave concern that Harper would also annex them. “I expect President François Hollande to rescue us from this predicament,” Patrice Latron, the Prefect of St. Pierre and Miquelon said. “But I’m not sure that he’s really interested in us since he is more interested in figuring out who his sexual partner is.”
“Come to think of it,” Latron, the French president’s representative in St. Pierre and Miquelon continued, “Why doesn’t Hollande annex Monaco? If I were a betting man, which I’m not, that’s where I would put my money."
Asked about these developments at his weekly press briefing, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said that President Obama realizes that the United States is gradually losing its ability to tell other governments what to do, and therefore is more focused on promoting the chances of Michigan State’s basketball team in defeating his alma mater, Harvard, in today’s March Madness game. Obama appeared on ESPN on Wednesday and predicted that Michigan State would come out on top.