YALTA – With a solitary reporter recording these earth-shattering developments, Russian tanks invaded and captured Simferapol, the capital of the Autonomous Republic of Crimea, earlier today. Within hours, Russian President Vladimir Putin marched into this historic site of the 1945 Yalta conference, where Churchill, Stalin, and FDR met to determine the postwar fate of Europe, and proclaimed that henceforth, Crimea will be known as Putinia. Putin’s speech was very long, but in only three Russian words, Процветание в единстве, he summarized his theme.


Процветание в единстве, or Prosperity In Unity, is the motto of the Autonomous Republic of Crimea. Putin time and again in his three-hour speech referred to the motto as the centerpiece of the Putinia Doctrine.


“I am proclaiming the rebirth of the USSR,” Putin said, "and we will soon invade and conquer those fallen away former Soviet republics, Armenia, Azerbaijan, Belarus, Georgia, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Moldova,Tajikistan, and Uzbekistan, and eventually we will conquer Turkey as well, but first of course we have to capture Kiev.”


“Once we possess Turkey, we will capture the Middle East, which will provide us with even more petroleum resources than we already have, together with our vast supplies of natural gas."


“At Yalta,” Putin continued, “Stalin, my idol, didn’t go far enough. He should’ve demanded that all of Germany as well as France and Greece be included in the Soviet Union.”


At the White House, President Obama’s national security advisers dithered all day and all night, but concluded by deciding to ask Sen. John McCain to go to Yalta and meet with Putin and tell him what’s what.


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