THE WHITE HOUSE — Taking his cue from the Fed’s long-awaited decision to taper down its massive purchases of bonds, a program designed to infuriate Republicans who love to rant against government playing any role whatsoever in the economy, President Obama announced yesterday that he is tapering down the twelve-year old war in Afghanistan.


The President made the announcement with a solitary reporter at his side. “Our brave troops will be home by Chrstmas,” Obama said, speaking in the Rosy Garden.


Mr. Obama’s decision infuriated Sen. John McCain, but it delighted his 2008 running mate, former pinup girl Sarah Palin, who tweeted Tea Party noteworthies Rand Paul and Ted Cruz that she’ll be running for president on the Tea Party ticket against New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie and Democratic nominee-in-waiting Hillary Clinton. “I’m the most macho candidate in the field,” Palin said, “and I intend to fight right alongside our brave freedom fighters to rid the world of all the Jesus-hating jihadists."


“We need to continue fighting wars in the Middle East and wherever else our values are being ignored,” McCain said, speaking stridently in the well of the Senate. “Since the president is now pulling out of Afghanistan way too early, I insist that he declare war on Syria and Ukraine simultaneously.”


Ukraine’s president, Viktor Yanukovich, welcomed McCain’s statement. “It will give those protesters something to think about when American tanks begin rolling into Kiev."

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