BRASILIA — Immediately after posting his Open Letter to the Brazilian People on his website, Edward Snowden, evidently worried he might catch a Cold War cold in Moscow over the winter, talked by phone with Celso Amorim, Brazil’s Minister of Defence.
In his open letter, Snowden offered to help Brazilians investigate allegations of illegal snooping — in return for the right to sunbathe at Ipanema for the rest of his life.
But a solitary reporter, who has never visited NSA headquarters in Fort Meade, Maryland, somehow managed to overhear the conversation between Snowden and Amorim.
“Ed,” Amorim said, "once we grant you political asylum, what can you tell me about what Obama thinks about his ability to attack us? Do you think he is upset that we are hosting the World Cup next year?”
“After all, he is very unpopular now because he doesn’t seem to know much about how to get his Affordable Care Act even started.”
“It’s going to take some pretty damn fancy footwork on Obama’s part to get himself out of the political quicksand he’s in. Should I ask our Brazilian National Football Team’s coach, Luiz Felipe ‘Big Phil’ Scolari, to teach Obama how to score goals?"
But Snowden, ever coy, asked Amorim, a top diplomat for his country before being tapped by Brazil’s president, Dilma Rousseff, to be her Minister of Defence, whether he could persuade his friend, Secretary of State John Kerry, to rescind his previous revocation of his passport.
Amorim promptly replied, “Ed, forget about the US, where some gun nut will get you as soon as you walk into any high school.”
“Our women are so much more beautiful than even Kate Upton, and our beaches are the best in the world.”