WILD HORSE, CHEYENNE COUNTY, COLORADO — New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has left the Big Apple to live here in remote Cheyenne County, Colorado.
Cheyenne County, in the Eastern Plains of Colorado, borders Kansas to the east and Kit Carson County, Colorado, on the north. Its population is 1,836, and, at 1,781 square miles, it boasts only one person per square mile, compared to all of New York City, with a population of 8,336,697 and 304 square miles, or 27,423 inhabitants per square mile.
“Believe it or not,” Bloomberg explained to a solitary reporter, “I love wide open spaces. That's why I bought Cheyenne County.”
“I heard that eleven counties in Colorado were thinking about seceding from Colorado, and maybe even from the United States as well, and with all my billions, I figured I would just buy a Colorado county. And Cheyenne County voted 62% in favor of secession yesterday.”
“You see, I sent millions to the campaigns of two State Senators who were being recalled by the gun nuts. And in fact voters in Pueblo and Colorado Springs did recall those brave legislators, and I vigorously opposed the recall with both my money and my might.”
“I also donated additional millions to the campaign for the passage of Amendment 66 here in Colorado: you know, the constitutional amendment that would have helped even a little to improve public education in Colorado by raising taxes, except that Colorado voters turned it down because they don't like to pay taxes to support public schools.”
“So, since I have been so very involved in Colorado politics, I figured I might just as well move here, because surely as a Colorado resident people would be much more likely to support my favorite causes.”
“With all this open space, I'll have plenty of room to throw my weight around. I was term-limited as mayor of New York, so maybe I'll run against Colorado's governor, John Hickenlooper, as an Independent, supported by the libertarian Independence Institute, unless I decide to rename Cheyenne County Bloomberg County and then secede from Colorado.”
“And since I'll be living in Wild Horse, when I do run for governor -- and later on for president -- nobody will be able to call me a dark horse.”
But Cheyenne County Sheriff Ken Putnam told Bloomberg that people in his county don't take kindly to arrogant, superrich easterners, and that he won't be able to provide him with a security detail. Yet, Bloomberg had a ready answer, saying “Sheriff, you seem to have forgotten that I own the whole County, and therefore I own you.”
In other news, deposed Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak, who is now under house arrest, announced that he would like to testify in support of deposed Egyptian president Mohammed Morsi at Morsi's upcoming trial for inciting deadly violence while president. “Us dictators really have to stick together,” Mubarak said.