WASHINGTON — Desperate to recover his ground game (as well as his passing game), President Barack Obama has fired Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius and replaced her with Paul Ryan, John Boehner's Budget Hawk, according to a solitary reporter.


As he punted her out the door, the former Kansas governor, a Democrat, said “Wait once, Barry. What if we promise all the millennials, especially the women whom I personally sell Obamacare to, a free iPad?”


Turning on his heel, the president, executing one of his trademark basketball pivots, brought Sebelius back into the Oval Office and said, “Damn straight, Kathy! I never liked Ryan, but I knew I had to do something.”


Relieved, as she sipped martinis with her husband, Gary, she said “Honey, guess what! We don't have to move to the State of Glitch!”


Elsewhere, German Chancellor Angela Merkel called Obama and told him that the next time he wants to chase her on the Autobahn, his Secret Service car can only go at 5 miles an hour. This, after Merkel told Obama that he has no business listening to her private cell phone communications.


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