WASHINGTON — After the Dow was up 323 points yesterday -- its biggest one-day gain of the year -- on news that a few extraordinarily reluctant Republican members of Congress might come to their senses and realize that government is important to some people in the United States, Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas) went on Fox News to warn his fellow Republican senators that under no circumstances must they even think of talking with President Obama about resolving the impasse.
“If any Republicans in either the Senate or the House plan to vote to reopen government or increase the debt ceiling,” Cruz said to host Bill O'Reilly, “I will drag every single one of them down to the Lone Star State and turn them over to the Texas Rangers for branding, in places much too intimate even to mention on television.”
O'Reilly's close personal friend, Ann Coulter, rushed past security guards onto the set, demanding that Cruz announce, right then and there, that he is running for president in 2016 on both the Tea Party and Republican tickets, and was warmly embraced by both O'Reilly and Cruz.
“This is as good a time as any to announce my candidacy for president,” Cruz gushed. “If I wait any longer, Rand Paul will be in Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina next week so he can start hauling in the money for his campaign.”
In Sacramento, California Gov. Jerry Brown, watching the interview with a solitary reporter, ruminated openly about placing an initiative on the ballot for next year's midterm elections, approving California's secession from the Union.
“Since we don't have any federal government now, and aren't likely to have any anytime soon,” Brown said, “we might as well just start the process.“
“Without the TSA and other impediments, it will be a lot easier to trade with our friends in China, Taiwan, Singapore, South Korea, and Japan.”
“My secession referendum will be hugely popular,” Brown continued, “even more popular than Prop 13, which the anti-tax nuts passed in 1978, when I was Governor Moonbeam, to reduce our property taxes to wildly unrealistic levels to placate the Reaganites.”
“Remember, SR, that when I was governor the first time, I wanted to set up a California Space Academy to launch a satellite. Once we secede, that will be my top priority. We'll be able to use our satellites to keep watch on Ted Cruz after he becomes president of the Disunited States.”
Brown's campaign manager suggested that the referendum's campaign slogan be “The only way to succeed these days is to secede.”