DALLAS — As usual, the mainstream media got it all wrong.
Although it is true that Bush Two received a stent today at Texas Health Presbyterian Hospital here, only a solitary reporter has been authorized to disclose to you, his faithful readers, that one of the physicians who attempted entry into the surgical center where the former president received his stent was Major Nidal Hasan.
Earlier today, Hasan told his court martial that he is indeed the shooter who killed thirteen Army personnel and wounded 32 others on November 5, 2009 at a processing center at Fort Hood, one month shy of his deployment to Afghanistan.
Hasan, the son of Palestinian immigrants and a certified and very certifiable Army psychiatrist, testified under oath at his court-martial that, having taken an oath as an Army officer to defend the United States of America, he switched sides out of loyalty to his Taliban brethren.
Hasan's escape from his court-martial was ingenious. He tweeted the ghost of Osama bin Laden, who directed him to take off his clothes, don women's clothing, tell everybody that he is a transvestite, and simply walk out.
After his escape from Fort Hood, Hasan went straight to Texas Health Presbyterian Hospital and used his Bushmaster (!) XM15-E2S rifle to force his way into the surgical center where the former president was laughing and joking with his physicians and nurses.
Hasan at first offered to insert the stent himself, but then, realizing in whose Real Presence he found himself, whipped out his Bushmaster and was about to annihilate the former president when none other than President Obama tackled him and beat him to death.
“A much more efficient way to handle terrorists, don't you think?” Obama said as he was escorted out of the hospital by forty-four Secret Service agents.
Former First Lady Laura Bush curtsied to Obama on his way out, blew him a kiss, and fainted.