SHEREMETYEVO AIRPORT, MOSCOW — From his not so secret hiding place, former American citizen Edward Snowden has outed Russian President Vladimir Putin, after Putin accused Snowden of shifting his position.

Putin had said earlier that Snowden would have to "stop his work aimed at harming our American partners" if he wanted to stay in his empire. That reportedly prompted Snowden to withdraw an asylum request earlier this month.

"(Snowden) knows about the conditions about getting political asylum," Putin said yesterday, according to RIA Novosti, one of Russia's largest news agencies. "Judging by his latest statements,” Putin continued, “he is shifting his position somewhat, and the final outcome is still unknown."

The former KGB top gun, speaking to students on the Gulf of Finland island of Gangland, also congratulated President Obama for his deft and well-orchestrated gift of its top-secret leaker to Russia.

“I've always thought that Putin is gay,” Snowden explained to a solitary reporter, “but now I know for sure.”

“Any time a gay person says he has shifted his position,” Snowden continued, “that means he is doing gay sex in a different way, whether kinky or otherwise.”

But Putin's spokesman, former Soviet Boss Boris Yeltsin, as well as Putin's wife, Lyudmila Putina, burned Snowden in effigy in Red Square, and called on Prosecutor General Yury Chaika to send General Tatiana Grigorievna Anodina, Chairperson of Russia's Interstate Aviation Committee, to grab Snowden and perform the well-known Russian ritual of, well, castration, on America's most notorious traitor, again in Red Square.
During Putin's career with the KGB, one of his principal duties was spending the better part of his career there with “the organs,”, so Snowden's revelation comes as no surprise.

After Snowden's blasphemous utterance, and because newly acquitted wannabe cop George Zimmerman failed to leap to his defense, Putin immediately dispatched Snowden to the District of Columbia, where Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano finished the job, in the presence of Attorney General Eric Holder and Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel.

“It was easy,” Napolitano explained. “I just ran right over to Wayne LaPierre, at the NRA, borrowed one of his assault weapons, and took care of him.”

“You see,” Napolitano, who hails from Naples, continued, “here in the United States of America, we believe in a Total Circle of Caring.”


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