ULAN BATOR — Mongolian President Tsakhiagiin Elbegdorj woke up this morning rather surprised, to put it mildly.
Elected by the Mongolian Democratic Party in 2009, and the first Mongolian politician to be elected to national office who was not a member of the communist Mongolian People's Revolutionary Party, Elbegdorj awoke to learn that his Government Palace lay in ruins after North Korean Dictator Kim III launched a preemptive nuclear attack on the Mongolian capital, all as chronicled by a solitary reporter.
Elbegdorj immediately tweeted Russian President Vladimir Putin and Chinese President Xi Jinping for help, and, not stopping there, called President Obama, reaching Obama in the middle of a press conference in which Obama was detailing his plan to cut Social Security benefits in half to please Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.
“Mr. President,” Elbegdorj pleaded, “please don't forget that I am a Democrat!”
At the Pentagon, Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel told reporters that twenty American B-52 Stratofortress bombers were on their way to Pyongyang to “take care of that little runt, Kim Jong Un, before he nukes Seoul and Tokyo.”
At the CIA, Director John Brennan was quoted by anonymous aides as saying, “Kim is a lot smarter than we thought. We figured that he would attack either Tokyo or Seoul; but since he has already tossed missiles over Japan and into the Pacific Ocean, we should've figured out that he would do something really capricious and surprise everybody, which is why he astonished President Elbegdorj just moments ago.”
“We've known for a long time that the boy dictator is angry at Beijing for not providing him with the very latest in Chinese nuclear technology,” Brennan continued, “but we were absolutely stupefied to find out that he had nuked Mongolia's capital.”
At the White House, President Obama applauded Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel's decision, saying “No more Mr. Nice Guy. I have just been on the phone with South Korean President Park Geun-hye, telling her that she has our full, unqualified support.”
“We can't afford it at all,” Obama continued, “but if we don't do it now, John McCain will never forgive me, and I totally need his help to get my budget passed.”