NICOSIA — Immediately after leaving the bench today, Chief Justice John Roberts was whisked away to Andrews Air Force Base in nearby Maryland, where he boarded a Concorde, which whisked him even more swiftly to this cauldron of financial insecurity.

“Last summer,” the Chief Justice explained to a solitary reporter who was begging for his autograph, “after saving Obama's presidency by ruling in his favor on legislation which my party had initially supported, but then tried its damnedest to defeat, only because it wanted to win the presidency back at any cost, I went to the very interesting island of Malta; but today, after ruling from the bench that DOMA is the most unconstitutional piece of legislation I have ever set eyes on, it's time for me to take a vacation on the rather troubled island of Cyprus.”

Roberts was then greeted by Cyprus' finance minister, Michael Sarris, who effusively thanked the Chief Justice for coming to the ancient island's rescue.

“Think nothing of it,” Roberts replied. “From here, it's only a one-hour flight to Jerusalem, where I will explain to Netanyahu how Moses saved the State of Israel from Mohammed Morsi.”

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