VATICAN CITY – Earlier today, in Chicago, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Pastor Emeritus of Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago and one-time pastor to President Obama, denounced, in a fiery sermon, the College of Cardinals as racist because the result of yesterday's deliberations in the Sistine Chapel was announced by a black puff of smoke from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel, indicating that none of the Cardinals had received the required super majority of two thirds of the one hundred fifteen electors.
Rev. Wright's congregation at the time of his 2008 retirement had 8,500 members, and although Rev. Wright consistently preached the theologically correct gospel of black liberation, nobody in the political world paid him any attention to him at all until Barack Obama began his successful campaign for the presidential nomination of his party in 2008 to run against Arizona Sen. John McCain. It was then that Steve Schmidt, a senior advisor to the McCain campaign, realized that the McCain campaign was destined for failure unless it could find some trace of racism in Obama; this led to microscopic examination of a few of Rev. Wright's sermons. In one sermon, Rev. Wright infamously told his congregation that God should damn America, not bless America, because of America's history of oppression committed against racial minorities and women. Those words were thrown up against candidate Obama, who was forced to denounce them; the “Rev. Jeremiah Wright Controversy” threatened, for a few months, to derail Obama's presidential bid.
After listening to Rev. Wright's thunderous sermon, inveighing against the Vatican for its racism, a solitary reporter interviewed the controversial clergyman.
“SR,” Rev. Wright said, “it's as plain as daylight. Black means bad, white means good.”
After being informed by an aide of the Rev. Wright's comment, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI picked up his bullhorn at Castel Gandolfo, the papal palace which is the summer residence of the Pope, and ordered the electors in the College of Cardinals to take affirmative action to provide for more racial diversity in the Curia.
“Guys,” Benedict explained, “you gotta pick a black guy.”
Immediately, the College of Cardinals voted unanimously to elect Robert Sarah of Guinea, the President of the Pontifical Council Cor Unum. The mission of Cor Unum is to carry out humanitarian relief operations following disasters. White smoke was immediately released from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel, indicating that the new Pope had been chosen.
The Rev. Federico Lombardi, spokesman for the Vatican, made a brief statement to the 700,000 people eagerly awaiting release of the white smoke.
“The current state of the Catholic Church is a disaster,” Rev. Lombardi said, “so it made perfect sense to anoint as Pope a man who knows how to provide emergency relief.”
But, to the dismay of all 1.2 billion Catholics worldwide, Cardinal Sarah emerged at the central balcony of the Basilica and, in fluent French and Latin, as well as Italian, explained that he is unable to accept the honor of being appointed Pope.
“The Catholic Church is beyond repair,” Sarah said. “I give up.”
Dismayed and chagrined, the electors in the College of Cardinals returned once again to the Sistine Chapel, where this time they unanimously elected Vice-President Joe Biden, a lifelong Catholic, as Pope.
Appearing on the same balcony from which Cardinal Sarah had declined the papacy, Biden rambled on for six hours, explaining why he will serve both as Pope and as Vice-President of the United States. Toward the conclusion of his extended remarks, Biden finally cut to the chase, saying:
“I believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ.”
“I believe that if Christ were alive today, he would be the leader of the Democratic Party.”
President Obama immediately tweeted Biden and congratulated him on his political acumen, and promised Biden that he would continue to receive Secret Service protection, saying “Joe, you're going to need that protection now more than ever.”