FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA -- From his booby-trapped bunker here at the National Rifle Association's headquarters, the NRA's Chief Shooter, Wayne LaPierre, issued a press release earlier today, demanding that the UK's Prime Minister, David Cameron, immediately pass legislation to allow all subjects of the Queen to purchase military-style assault weapons.
LaPierre's demand came in the wake of yesterday's announcement by British archeologists that they had conclusively established that they had found the less than immortal remains of King Richard III under a parking lot near Leicester.
"In these perilous times, it is of the utmost importance that killing be done efficiently," the jaded monarch of the gun industry said. "If the enemies of King Dick had had a Bushmeister XM15 like the one that our dearly departed Adam Lanza used in Newtown, it would have made their job a lot easier."
When Cameron read LaPierre's demand, he ordered Phillip Hammond, his Secretary of Defence, to prepare plans to launch a full-scale attack on NRA headquarters, but LaPierre's well-regulated militia appeared to a solitary reporter to be fully prepared for any eventuality.