BOULDER — Days after University of Colorado Football Coach Jon Embree was sacked by CU President Bruce Benson and Athletic Director Mike Bohn, your faithful solitary reporter was brought in, at an extraordinarily low salary, to save CU's 122-year old vaunted football program from certain extinction after the Buffs went 1-11 for the season.
“Guys,” the solitary reporter announced through a bullhorn at Folsom Field, “from this day forward, there is no more football at CU.”
Braving much more than slings and arrows, the solitary reporter continued his rant.
“Embree was pulling down $750,000 per, of which one third came from the taxpayers of Colorado. According to today's Denver Post, his replacement would cost three times that much if CU intends to continue in the Pac-12.”
“But now with me in charge, all those millions, including recruitment, scholarships, middle-of-the-road training facilities, etc. etc., none of those are needed anymore. This frees up all that money to help the homeless as well as those who, without knowing anything about it, might paradoxically aspire to become homeless because of the outrages perpetrated on a daily basis by the Republicans.”
Immediately, Benson, the 74-year-old president of the University, grabbed a pole vault and lanced it through the solitary reporter, as a result of which the reporter was taken to Boulder's only homeless shelter, where he promptly began preaching the Gospel of Anti-Athletics.
CU's transfer quarterback, Connor Wood, was relieved, and, before leaving Folsom, executed a perfect lateral pass to the reporter. “Now that there's no longer any football here, I know for sure that I will not be getting a concussion,” Wood explained. “Instead, I'm going to take every single class that I can find taught by Patty Nelson Limerick, of the Center of the American West.”
Upon hearing that, Limerick granted a full scholarship to Connor Wood and promptly trebled it.
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