WASHINGTON's — Yesterday, Attorney General Eric Holder announced that BP will pay a record fine for having criminally caused the deaths of eleven workers on its Deepwater Horizon oil rig in April, 2010.
“I am also announcing,” Holder continued, “that BP has changed its name to Bad Politics.”
“As everybody who has ever gone to Harvard College with Larry Franko knows, BP used to be British Petroleum, which previously was the Anglo-Persian Oil Company, before it was the Anglo-Iranian Oil Company.”
“After the American electorate resoundingly reelected Barack Obama, BP stands for Bad Politics, because if the Republican Party stands for anything, it is Bad Politics.”
Bad Politics Chairman Carl-Henric Svangberg, in an exclusive interview with a solitary reporter, said, “I'm a citizen of Sweden, but if I were a citizen of the United States, I would, no doubt, be a Republican, because I'm filthy rich just like Mitt Romney, and I'd be listening to Larry Franko play Bach on his violin for me every evening.”
In Tehran, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei told one of our numerous associate solitary reporters that Iran will insist that, in exchange for giving up its nukes, Bad Politics will have to be immediately transferred to Iran, together with reparations arising from the unlawful appropriation of billions of petrodollars dating from 1909, when the Anglo-Persian Oil Company was established.
Elsewhere, in Stillwater, Minnesota, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, who narrowly survived the Democratic onslaught of 2012, announced that she is leaving the Republican Party and running for president on the Tea Party platform. “The Republican Party has all but disappeared,” Bachmann explained, “but my Tea Party will endure forever.”
Bachmann's husband, Marcus, instructed his architect to begin preparing the West Wing to house his homophobic counseling service.