YOUNGSTOWN — As he peered out from his mansion here in this Rust Belt area of eastern Ohio (see yesterday's post), Mitt Romney, with the necessary assistance of his wife Ann, turned back the clock, not to 2 am, but to 1950.
“Mitt, Darling,” Mrs. Romney said, in a conversation overheard by a solitary reporter, “it was so wonderful and gracious of you to pray that uppity Muslim, Barack Hussein Obama Junior, into Mormon heaven after you killed him in the first debate.”
“Since you did that so skillfully, you and I have it in our power to turn back the clock, not to 2 am, with only two days until you're elected in a landslide, but to November 4, 1950!!”
“Honey,” Mitt Romney said in his most fluent Mormonese, “just think what this means for the history of the world!”
“For starters,” Mitt said, “remember how Harry The Haberdasher had the gall to relieve General MacArthur of his command on April 11, 1951?”
“Well, Harry Truman was a pinko Democrat,” Mitt continued. “He should've told MacArthur, 'General, here's my nukes, now bomb the hell out of Peking, and then Moscow,' because, as everybody in America knows, Russia, in 2012, is the greatest security threat to the United States.”
“Next,” Romney continued, “I'll make it clear to the American people, in December of 1960, that Dwight D. Eisenhower was the greatest president of the 20th century (until Reagan) -- none of that phony FDR mythology!”
“Obviously, Nixon beats the pants off that womanizing Catholic from Boston in 1960.”
“Nixon is succeeded in January 1969 by, you guessed it, Sweetie, my father, George Romney.”
“Then Ronald (“The Savior”) Reagan, 1977-1985.”
“Then me, 1985-1993.”
“Forget about Bush One and Bush Two. This is the Romney Dynasty!”
“Pretty good for a poor boy from Detroit, don't you think?” as Ann Romney gazed rapturously at her husband, a former Mormon bishop.
“Wait, Honey, I'm not done yet.”
“Paul Ryan, of course, 1993-2001; Michele Bachmann, 2001-2009, which, incidentally, 9/11 never happened because after Harry The Haberdasher there never were any more Democrat presidents, which means that there never was an Al Qaeda because we long ago persuaded the Saudis to kill bin Laden themselves.”
“2009-now: Rick Perry.”