DENVER — Yesterday evening at the University of Denver, pugnacious Mitt Romney, clearly relishing his role as David Who Slew Goliath, prayed Barack Obama into Mormon Heaven immediately after Obama walked off stage to celebrate the twentieth anniversary of his marriage with the most beautiful woman in America.
"Given that I'm a man with a proven record of saying whatever it takes to take over this beautiful land," Romney confided to a solitary reporter, "and having just killed the president politically, I'll be gracious in victory. In ninety minutes of unfathomable blabber, I managed to convince 67% of CNN's viewers that I'll be better at enriching the lives of the rich, than the president."
"Once I pray the president up to Mormon Heaven, he'll get all the health care he'll ever need. It's called MormonCare."
Meanwhile, Obama For America spokeswoman Stephanie Cutter denied rumors that Obama will soon dump Joe Biden in favor of David Gergen.