DAMASCUS — From a bunker manned by Syrian rebels, GOP presidential wannabe Mitt Romney announced, moments ago, his “total, unwavering support” for the emergence of democratic capitalism in the Middle East.

“President Obama,” Romney explained to an embedded solitary reporter, “has no idea whatsoever what to do in the Middle East. When I'm president, we're going to invade Syria as the first order of business, with the sole purpose of overthrowing the autocratic Bashad regime, and then selling millions of Detroit-made automobiles to the Syrian people, even though they can't afford them.”

“I will then authorize Netanyahu to invade Syria to capture all the American cars which the Syrian people will then have unwisely bought, only they will have fallen behind in their payments. After the American taxpayers pay for the shipping costs of getting those American cars back here, I will give them, free of charge, to a few of the volunteers who supported me in this bitter electoral contest.”

Speaking from the White House press briefing room, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney quipped, “If Governor Romney really wants to help out our automotive industry, which President Obama saved, he should join the UAW, find out how hard our autoworkers work, and then go back to Boston to try to redeem himself for exporting so many American jobs overseas, by convincing all his wealthy GOP buddies in Massachusetts to support Elizabeth Warren against Scott Brown.”


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