DENVER — Although the Denver Post reported today that Christian Vande Velde won yesterday's USA Pro Challenge, there actually was a different result, as witnessed by a solitary reporter.

The 683-mile bicycle race, beginning in Durango and ending in Denver, traversed numerous dangerous Colorado mountain passes, none of which future Vice-President Paul Ryan will be crossing after he takes office on January 20.

Standing in the broiing heat in Denver's Civic Center Park, at the race's finish, the reporter, being highly prone to hallucinations, greeted seven- time Tour de France non-winner Lance Armstrong as Armstrong nudged out Vande Velde by one second.

“You can't keep a good man down,” Armstrong explained to the solitary reporter, “even if he lies and cheats.”

Asked for comment on Armstrong's statement, Bush Two's brain, Karl Rove, smirked and said, “One thing you have to say about Lance: the man has a b___ made of iron.”

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