THE WHITE HOUSE — Moments ago, President Obama called embattled GOP Congressman Todd Akin (TP.-Mo.) to thank him for saving his dubious campaign for reelection.

“It doesn't happen very often, Todd, that an unpopular president trying to keep his job gets a gift from God, but that's exactly what you've done for me,” the president said to Akin, who is trying to unseat Missouri Senator Claire McCaskill, a more-or-less loyal Obama supporter.

Akin's response was no response, as Congressional Tea Party Caucus Chair Michele Bachmann (TP.-Minn.) had long ago ordered that none of her caucus members should ever, ever have a conversation with Obama.

Meanwhile, on the campaign trail in Ossipee, New Hampshire, with his running mate, forty-two year old Paul “Screw the Damn Seniors” Ryan (TP.-Wis.), presumptuous Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney told members of an evangelical church that, once he begins his Occupation of the White House, he will name Akin to the position of Chief Protocol Officer in the State Department. “I really like a guy who knows a lot about women, especially women's bodies,” Romney explained to the evangelicals. “You see,” Romney continued, “I'm a Mormon, and I was raised to think of women only as someone you would see in heaven; we weren't supposed to pay any attention to their looks at all.”

In the midst of this off-message speech, Romney's wife, Ann, departing from her trademark “Unsmirk the Jerk” image, directed her best dressage boot toward a portion of Romney's anatomy, which caused the presidential candidate to fall down on the ground writhing in pain. But, demonstrating his true manhood, Romney quickly picked himself up from the floor of the sanctuary and told the crowd of three that, as soon as Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg retires, he will nominate Congressman Kevin Yoder (TP.-Kan) to replace Ginsburg on the highest court in the land. “I mean,” Romney said, despite being jabbed repeatedly by his wife, “the man is a good Methodist, which means that he has been washed in the blood of the Lamb, and what's wrong with immersing himself in the Sea of Galilee, illuminating for all his Methodist and other evangelical buddies what it's like to try to walk on the water just like Jesus did, in his birthday suit?”

“In fact,” Romney continued, “if my church hadn't made me go to France for my two-year mission, I really would've liked to go to Tiberias, at the southern end of the Sea of Galilee, and do the same thing Kevin did. As far as I'm concerned, the man has excellent judgment, which I respect, which is why I'm gonna put him on the Supreme Court.”

Overwhelmed by the news of Reps. Akin and Yoder's fifteen minutes of fame, a solitary reporter scratched his head and wondered what other gifts the Tea Party would give to ensure Obama's reelection.

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